I feel like crying every time I breathe. I want to hold my breath so I don’t feel the pain no more.
I do not even know what to start with, when the only thought I can think of is hurt.
It hurts when I breathe, it hurts when I sit, when I walk, when I talk, when I try to sleep, it hurts. My nights hurt.
God, I thought they said that cancer did not hurt in the lungs.
One day I felt my tumor turn or twist inside my body and I said maybe it was a sign. Sure, anyone can say I imagined and maybe it is so. But I wished my tumors striped away from my body and leave me for ever in peace! Lord! I yearn peace especially from You! I never asked for much. I never did! You know that every evening I thank You for anything You can spate to give me, from a simple sign to the shade of the trees. For 30 years, not on and off, but every single day, I do not go to sleep without telling you clean and brisk, black on white,deliver us from evil, giving us our health, happiness, love and goodness, to me, to those who love You and to those who love me and who pray to You to save me! Just because You are our father! For four and a half years, did I not learn enough you think? Did I pray in vain for myself and for all those who asked you to come to my aid? What ever bad thing I did in this life, You think I didn’t already repent thousands of times of, so far?
It has not been three weeks since You banged my head against the walls and kept me lying on the floor of the hall for 3 hours, unconscious with my face in a balloon of blood, without any remembrance of what happened to me, that another idea came to You! And what idea! The idea to turn up the wheel of pain to another lever. So why do you give me drugs for pain, which instead of taking it, just turn everything that was simple and elementary into impossible things? 53 months of cancer is still not enough? …
Why don’t you want me to paint again? Why don’t you want me to finish my book? Why can’t You cure me? Why did you break my glasses, Lord?