How are you? People expect me to answer: never better! And I often say that, but the truth is I never feel good. Since bone metastasis I feel bad or very bad. All the time!
Besides the two occasions, in which, lately, I felt good, I don’t remember any other painless moment. Oh yes! I enjoyed those 5 minutes of painless pleasure, when I felt no pain, just like the days before cancer.
Imagine a bottle of water . In it, add 3 tablespoons of sand and 5-6 pebbles of different sizes. Now imagine that you’re moving the glass sideways and the sand shields the water, and the pebbles hit the glass sometimes harder, other times softer. Sometimes you really think the bottle will break and all its contents will be scattered on the floor. Well, that’s how I feel over the course of a day. A sand like feeling tosses and turns up and down inside my body, on my skin, under my skin, in my muscles and in my bones. Just like the stones that hit the body of the glass, I often feel a pain that tightens my body in one way or another. Then I can not even breathe because of the pain. I swallow my spit. I try to breathe. Sometimes I cry.
Although I have this pain treatment, Fentanyl and a number of pink pastilles of morphine, my body suffers. Whatever be the whether hot or cold, I sweat intensely all day, which is why I always have 1-2 shirts in my bag.
Then comes the evening when I can finally go to bed.
Now imagine how the stones and sand settle on the bottom of the bottle and the water is clear, so my pains seem to find a way to settle down. It is only when I stand lying in the bed, the pains disappear, BUT only if I’m still! Any movement can and will disturbe the peace of my body, so I learned to sleep in a single position: on my back, immovable as the Pharaohs.
For fear of causing me pain, Dan barely dares to touch me with his fingertips and kiss me “good night” lightly on my lips.
In the morning I wake up from the rigid sleep in which I taught my body to sleep and awake to face the pains that sat quietly overnight.