Blog

Hardest to admit

We came back from Carei. Now Dan is at the café, reinstalling the coffee machine and cleaning up the place. Although we did not leave any mess when we left, I stayed home with the intention of doing house chores. Instead I slept until 11. First I woke up early, then I realized I didn’t have to pull my leg. I am sick. Whatever I would object to, the reality check says that my body degrades despite my efforts of preserving it presentable. I was hungry and pealed some potatoes to fry with egg. More than that I do not have the strenght to do now. I noticed my slow movements, and I remembered my grandmother’s gestures, who was never afraid of the hot oil from the hot pan. These days I finally learned the difference between: lazy, sick and tired. Only after 54 months of cancer (4.8 years) I learned to accept  that I am sick and that when I do not know whether my armpits and backbone hurt more then my right femur bone, it’s recommended to give myself a brake; I’m not lazy nor tired, I’m just very sick, which is the hardest to...

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Why did you break my glasses, Lord?

I feel like crying every time I breathe. I want to hold my breath so I don’t feel the pain no more. I do not even know what to start with, when the only thought I can think of is hurt. It hurts when I breathe, it hurts when I sit, when I walk, when I talk, when I try to sleep, it hurts. My nights hurt. God, I thought they said that cancer did not hurt in the lungs. One day I felt my tumor turn or twist inside my body and I said maybe it was  a sign. Sure, anyone can say I imagined and maybe it is so. But I wished my tumors striped away from my body and leave me for ever in peace! Lord! I yearn peace especially from You! I never asked for much. I never did! You know that every evening I thank You for anything You can spate to give me, from a simple sign to the shade of the trees. For 30 years, not on and off, but every single day, I do not go to sleep without telling you clean and brisk, black on white,deliver us from evil, giving us our health, happiness, love and goodness, to me, to those who love You and to those who love me and who pray to You to save me! Just because You are our father! For four and a half years, did I not learn enough you think? Did I pray in vain for myself and for all those who asked you to come to my aid? What ever bad thing I did in this life, You think I didn’t already repent thousands of times of, so far? It has not been three weeks since You banged my head against the walls and kept me lying on the floor of the hall for 3 hours, unconscious with my face in a balloon of blood, without any remembrance of what happened to me, that another idea came to You! And what idea! The idea to turn up the  wheel of pain to another lever. So why do you give me drugs for pain, which instead of taking it, just turn everything that was simple and elementary into impossible things?  53 months of cancer is still not enough? … Why don’t you want me to paint again? Why don’t you want me to finish my book? Why can’t You cure me? Why did you break my glasses, Lord?...

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When I’m next to my inner self

There are songs that bring me so close to my inner self that I feel overwhelmed by my own emotions and I can’t help but to cry, but not out of sadness but out of the pleasure that I feel when I am so close to myself me. When I’m next to my inner self, along with all my qualities and flaws, all my desires and all my accomplishments, displayed in order, as in an exhibition, I wonder, I admire and I weigh them and I love them while I let my feelings fly free, to ravish me in every way they can. I like to feel their intensity and purity so I let them do what they want of me. Pull my nose, pour through my eyes, ring inside my ears, run across my cheeks! Regardless of where they come from or where they head to, they slowly drip through me and I love the feeling of insane clarity they give, since I allowed myself to exist as myself, day after day and night night after...

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Happy Birthday, my friend!

Have you ever thought of how many people, at some early point in their lives, would have wanted to be 33? How many people wanted to achieve everything you did? How many people would have wanted to live their lives as you are living it now? You know how many people would want to be alive, but they aren’t?… I’m sure you didn’t. You do not even realize how, by everything you avoid doing now for yourself, you lose precious time that may or may not be available for you in the future. Enjoy being 33 years old, or 41 or 63! Be happy for having lived so many years and be proud when, by every birthday, you surpass the record of your last year’s birthday. You lived,  you  laughed you cried, and loved! Be thankful, my friend, and proud of the best gift, not anyone can have: THIS new age! Instead of turning it into “A crisis”, celebrate it and be thankful for the most precious gift you received from your parents: this extraordinary body that carries your soul through this world. Love it, care for it and shape it as you like. You are it’s only master, and, regardless of your age, it will be always at your service until the end of your time together. Be good with yourself because life it’s wonderful! Happy many...

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Don’t be scared. Everything will be fine.

On the occasion of my last visit to Carei, I posted the photos of the food I had eaten there,  not only “to torture” you, but also to prove that eating in an orderly way can result into extraordinary things. Not only did I lose a few extra pounds, but the last blood test was so much better, that I almost fell off the chair I was sitting on, while reading them! My blood count show the results of a perfectly healthy person. Then why do I still have a 9 cm tumor in my chest? It is very simple. If I understand correctly, my tumors are a consequence of the genetic mutation ALK+ that I have. In other words, the tumor is a creation of my genetic program, just as we are a creation of God. The treatment I follow is effective as long as the body does not adapt to its presence in the system. My molecular treatment attacks tumors, but not the source. The source is in genetic programming. Even if I would remove the tumor by surgical means, my DNA would create others. Hoping that my DNA will change back to the way it was before it mutated or evolves to self-repair or someone’s going to invent a method of genetic reprogramming of adults like me, there’s nothing else to do than to accept life as it is, take care of my body, be grateful that I have a good husband I can rely on, a beautiful family and friends that love me. Many thanks to you, yes you! the one who is reading now these lines. Thank you for standing by me, thank you for still believing in me. One way or another, every thing will be fine!...

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Damsels in distress

In occasion of my last medical visit to Vienna, I returned with half of my treatment and the promise that the other half will be mailed to me as soon as it arrives at the clinic. Last week I received an email informing me that because of bureaucratic issues they could not send my medications by mail but could give it to someone who would commit to pick them up for me at the clinic and send them to me post. It seemed to me a rather risky move, considering the cost of my treatment, but my friend Lena, who lives in Vienna, in whom I put my trust in, because she is like a bigger sister to me, she helped me with this and then sent me the treatment through a carrier which we assumed that would arrive at Satu-Mare yesterday at 4 pm. At 3 o’clock I called the driver to find out if he really arrived at 4 o’clock to Satu-Mare. He said he would arrive arround 4 o’clock, but 4 o’clock in the morning! Together with my mother, we woke up at 2.30 AM, we dressed, drank our coffees and ate the delicious oven backed pumpkin, that our neighbor in Carei, Carmen, brought us the night before and then we hit the road. We were slowly advancing because of the rain and the darkness but finally we have reached Satu-Mare. After we safely recovered the medicines, we paused briefly, then decided to return to Carei. The relaxation and the joy that the medicines are safe with us vanished when, already beyond the city suburbs,  we got a flat tire and quickly started to look for help at the first gas station. There, a tall and handsome boy told us he could help us if we had a spare wheel. But we did not have one. We did not know we had one, because later we found out that we did. So he advised us, from his own experience, to go slowly to Carei, with with flat tire and all, because it’s safe enough since once, he also came from Baia-Mare to Carei on three wheels. After a few miles of driving, the tire turned into strips that hit the body of the car as if we were followed by a horde of flaming zombies. We stopped and called a non-stop towing company. Of course no one answered the phone, so we waited in the car, and no matter how bizarre it would sound, we felt amused by the impossible situation we were in. Outside it was raining, and we were steaming the windows of the car, like in the famous scene in the Titanic, except...

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