Posts by smanem81

Hardest to admit

We came back from Carei. Now Dan is at the café, reinstalling the coffee machine and cleaning up the place. Although we did not leave any mess when we left, I stayed home with the intention of doing house chores. Instead I slept until 11. First I woke up early, then I realized I didn’t have to pull my leg. I am sick. Whatever I would object to, the reality check says that my body degrades despite my efforts of preserving it presentable. I was hungry and pealed some potatoes to fry with egg. More than that I do not have the strenght to do now. I noticed my slow movements, and I remembered my grandmother’s gestures, who was never afraid of the hot oil from the hot pan. These days I finally learned the difference between: lazy, sick and tired. Only after 54 months of cancer (4.8 years) I learned to accept  that I am sick and that when I do not know whether my armpits and backbone hurt more then my right femur bone, it’s recommended to give myself a brake; I’m not lazy nor tired, I’m just very sick, which is the hardest to...

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How am I feeling?…

How are you? People expect me to answer: never better! And I often say that, but the truth is I never feel good. Since bone metastasis I feel bad or very bad. All the time! Besides the two occasions, in which, lately, I felt good, I don’t remember any other painless moment. Oh yes! I enjoyed those 5 minutes of painless  pleasure, when I felt no pain, just like the days before cancer. Imagine a bottle of water . In it, add 3 tablespoons of sand and 5-6 pebbles of different sizes. Now imagine that you’re moving the glass sideways and the sand shields the water, and the pebbles hit the glass sometimes harder, other times softer. Sometimes you really think the bottle will break and all its contents will be scattered on the floor. Well, that’s how I feel over the course of a day. A sand like feeling tosses and turns up and down inside my body, on my skin, under my skin, in my muscles and in my bones. Just like the stones that hit the body of the glass, I often feel a pain that tightens my body in one way or another. Then I can not even breathe because of the pain. I swallow my spit. I try to breathe. Sometimes I cry. Although I have this pain treatment, Fentanyl  and a number of pink pastilles of morphine, my body suffers. Whatever be the whether hot or cold, I sweat intensely all day, which is why I always have 1-2 shirts in my bag. Then comes the evening when I can finally go to bed. Now imagine how the stones and sand settle on the bottom of the bottle and the water is clear, so my pains seem to find a way to settle down. It is only when I stand lying in the bed, the pains disappear, BUT only if I’m still! Any movement can and will disturbe the peace of my body, so I learned to sleep in a single position: on my back, immovable as the Pharaohs. For fear of causing me pain, Dan barely dares to touch me with his fingertips and kiss me “good night” lightly on my lips. In the morning I wake up from the rigid sleep in which I taught my body to sleep and awake to face the pains that sat quietly...

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Why did you break my glasses, Lord?

I feel like crying every time I breathe. I want to hold my breath so I don’t feel the pain no more. I do not even know what to start with, when the only thought I can think of is hurt. It hurts when I breathe, it hurts when I sit, when I walk, when I talk, when I try to sleep, it hurts. My nights hurt. God, I thought they said that cancer did not hurt in the lungs. One day I felt my tumor turn or twist inside my body and I said maybe it was  a sign. Sure, anyone can say I imagined and maybe it is so. But I wished my tumors striped away from my body and leave me for ever in peace! Lord! I yearn peace especially from You! I never asked for much. I never did! You know that every evening I thank You for anything You can spate to give me, from a simple sign to the shade of the trees. For 30 years, not on and off, but every single day, I do not go to sleep without telling you clean and brisk, black on white,deliver us from evil, giving us our health, happiness, love and goodness, to me, to those who love You and to those who love me and who pray to You to save me! Just because You are our father! For four and a half years, did I not learn enough you think? Did I pray in vain for myself and for all those who asked you to come to my aid? What ever bad thing I did in this life, You think I didn’t already repent thousands of times of, so far? It has not been three weeks since You banged my head against the walls and kept me lying on the floor of the hall for 3 hours, unconscious with my face in a balloon of blood, without any remembrance of what happened to me, that another idea came to You! And what idea! The idea to turn up the  wheel of pain to another lever. So why do you give me drugs for pain, which instead of taking it, just turn everything that was simple and elementary into impossible things?  53 months of cancer is still not enough? … Why don’t you want me to paint again? Why don’t you want me to finish my book? Why can’t You cure me? Why did you break my glasses, Lord?...

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When I’m next to my inner self

There are songs that bring me so close to my inner self that I feel overwhelmed by my own emotions and I can’t help but to cry, but not out of sadness but out of the pleasure that I feel when I am so close to myself me. When I’m next to my inner self, along with all my qualities and flaws, all my desires and all my accomplishments, displayed in order, as in an exhibition, I wonder, I admire and I weigh them and I love them while I let my feelings fly free, to ravish me in every way they can. I like to feel their intensity and purity so I let them do what they want of me. Pull my nose, pour through my eyes, ring inside my ears, run across my cheeks! Regardless of where they come from or where they head to, they slowly drip through me and I love the feeling of insane clarity they give, since I allowed myself to exist as myself, day after day and night night after...

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Happy Birthday, my friend!

Have you ever thought of how many people, at some early point in their lives, would have wanted to be 33? How many people wanted to achieve everything you did? How many people would have wanted to live their lives as you are living it now? You know how many people would want to be alive, but they aren’t?… I’m sure you didn’t. You do not even realize how, by everything you avoid doing now for yourself, you lose precious time that may or may not be available for you in the future. Enjoy being 33 years old, or 41 or 63! Be happy for having lived so many years and be proud when, by every birthday, you surpass the record of your last year’s birthday. You lived,  you  laughed you cried, and loved! Be thankful, my friend, and proud of the best gift, not anyone can have: THIS new age! Instead of turning it into “A crisis”, celebrate it and be thankful for the most precious gift you received from your parents: this extraordinary body that carries your soul through this world. Love it, care for it and shape it as you like. You are it’s only master, and, regardless of your age, it will be always at your service until the end of your time together. Be good with yourself because life it’s wonderful! Happy many...

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