Posts by smanem81

Damsels in distress

In occasion of my last medical visit to Vienna, I returned with half of my treatment and the promise that the other half will be mailed to me as soon as it arrives at the clinic. Last week I received an email informing me that because of bureaucratic issues they could not send my medications by mail but could give it to someone who would commit to pick them up for me at the clinic and send them to me post. It seemed to me a rather risky move, considering the cost of my treatment, but my friend Lena, who lives in Vienna, in whom I put my trust in, because she is like a bigger sister to me, she helped me with this and then sent me the treatment through a carrier which we assumed that would arrive at Satu-Mare yesterday at 4 pm. At 3 o’clock I called the driver to find out if he really arrived at 4 o’clock to Satu-Mare. He said he would arrive arround 4 o’clock, but 4 o’clock in the morning! Together with my mother, we woke up at 2.30 AM, we dressed, drank our coffees and ate the delicious oven backed pumpkin, that our neighbor in Carei, Carmen, brought us the night before and then we hit the road. We were slowly advancing because of the rain and the darkness but finally we have reached Satu-Mare. After we safely recovered the medicines, we paused briefly, then decided to return to Carei. The relaxation and the joy that the medicines are safe with us vanished when, already beyond the city suburbs,  we got a flat tire and quickly started to look for help at the first gas station. There, a tall and handsome boy told us he could help us if we had a spare wheel. But we did not have one. We did not know we had one, because later we found out that we did. So he advised us, from his own experience, to go slowly to Carei, with with flat tire and all, because it’s safe enough since once, he also came from Baia-Mare to Carei on three wheels. After a few miles of driving, the tire turned into strips that hit the body of the car as if we were followed by a horde of flaming zombies. We stopped and called a non-stop towing company. Of course no one answered the phone, so we waited in the car, and no matter how bizarre it would sound, we felt amused by the impossible situation we were in. Outside it was raining, and we were steaming the windows of the car, like in the famous scene in the Titanic, except...

Read More

Like a princess warrior!

Today, when I realized that my pulmonary tumor did not increase during my treatment but during the week after the August Ct, when I was still waiting for my treatment, I just broke away from myself and rebelled. I was angry with myself and with my gullible mind, my submissive soul and all those who managed to make me feel guilty because I got sick of cancer, with all the imaginary causes and all the feelings of despair I felt so far. No! I did not get sick because I was bad or because my ancestors gave me a negative karma, I did not get sick because I’m no longer a virgin, and I will not heal if I lose my time by listening to all the absurd versions of miraculous healings , which start with ” I heard of”. Today I stepped out of our house with courage, studied my posture and pulled my shoulders back until my muscles began to hurt. It felt great! Today I stepped with confidence under the beautiful blue autumn sky. Today I walked firmly, like a princess...

Read More

Monday to Friday and it’s 3 months later

I haven’t been to the cinema for some time, more exactly since I realized I no longer felt the need to escape from my own life for a few hours. The last 3 months were wonderful. In the last 3 months I have not left Romania, but I visited my mother several times, I rode my bicycle on the streets of Carei and I learned to make awesome coffee at Milu Cafe; started a new collection of paintings and organized numerous art exhibitions in our café that have resulted in sales for the benefit of artists. I participated in art exhibitions and I also sold some of my own paintings. I did not write too much on my blog, because I wrote and filmed interviews about this strange combo of coffee, art and cancer for the publications that asked me to. Also, I’ve started some new collaborations with Lungh Cancer Europe, Eikon Publishing House and Zurli Gang. Today, seeing the last post I wrote was at the end of August, I got the feeling that I woke up on a Monday morning in August, I blinked and it was Friday, a Friday morning, at the end of October. I owe so many stories that happened to me every day, so in order to avoid missing them again, I’m set to do little bit of everything, every day. I plan to go to the gym three times a week, draw or paint daily, to blog every two-days and to work instead of Dan at the cafe every time he needs me to, to feed Milu Cafe’s Facebook daily, to take care of the www.milucafe.ro site responsibly. God give me power and inspiration to do them...

Read More

I didn’t dare to say, but I was hoping

At the beginning of this year, 2017, my lung tumors measured 4 mm, 5 mm and 12 mm. I didn’t dare to say, but I was hoping that by the end of this year, cancer will exit the stage by Christmas just as, four years ago, it entered my life on December the 24th. All the odds were on my side! In May they noticed a fusion of tumors and a slight milimetrical magnification that got ignored, because in oncology millimeters do not matter, which, by June, grew into 2,3 cm. Then hell broke loose! The patient developed resistance to treatment. Again. The tumor grew at a hallucinatory rate of 2 cm per month. It’s been four months of agonizing rage in which my mind stuck. The progression of my cancer has manifested itself in everyday life. Cough, vomiting and fatigue began to surface again, but most of my days populated by biopsies, punches, medical letters, medical visits, analyzes, and travels for … dull paperwork, created the illusion that I have an active life; Just as active as the life of my tumors whom consciously, enlarged, month after month, by 2 cm per month. I stopped working out at the gym, I didn’t paint or write anymore because my whole being turned its eyes to my inside, where I watched powerlessly how, four months of bureaucracy, deleted two years of my life. At the latest CT on August 24, the results showed that my lung tumors have quadrupled their size and returned to the stage of 2015. One tumors measuring 9×2.8 cm and another measuring 1.2 cm. Oh! … On the other hand, brain tumors have not increased, on the contrary, one almost disappeared! Yey!...

Read More

Vienna Calling

My body became resilient to my medication this May, and grew a new tumor on my lung. Since then, for three months now, the tumor is busy growing, and I am busy coughing and checking my handkerchief, hoping to avoid any blood drops on it, since that would complicate things. Between biopsies, medical analyzes, and medical travels that regard the start of 3rd line medical treatment procedures of my cancer, I’m doing my best to maintain my balance, my happy state of mind and every moment I fail doing so, I find I wasted important time of my lifetime. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I do not. When I do not succeed, I double upset. I’m mad at myself because I was upset and scattered some good moments of enjoyment, just by being upset. Few agree with me when I say that I feel spoiled by fate in this context. But I am, because although some things have gone wrong, in the end we have received the confirmation of a new chance for life. On Aug. the 7th, I’m flying to Vienna, where on August the 8th I will receive my new treatment: Brigatinib. I am so looking...

Read More